An Earful of Ego

It gets very silly sometimes, our egos. For me, the silliness went beyond obnoxiousness or jealousy to the realm of impossible relating. Storytelling is an ancient human art, but this storyteller had ulterior motives she herself barely understood. Who has not felt the pinch of pride that comes from hearing someone you cherish imitate or emulate you (or at least you think they are), be it accident or experiment, by way of a direct phrase, mannerism, or opinion. Issues weighing heavy on you, however, scarcely deserves emulation by those you cherish, let alone their utter understanding painstakingly gained upon miles of clothesline stretched out in your personal backyard, complete with dozens of bulk packages of clothespins.

I did get uncomfortable in the process, but a prickly need in me drove me to steamroll over my reservations for rapid disclosure as I plowed on in my quest for finding the thing my ego egged me on for: satisfactory understanding.

This story has no happy ending, as the prize failed to materialize. The day ended with my troubles swirling around in not one but two heads, and mine was ever-the-more unsatisfied. Sure, my friend gave her listening ear, relentlessly patient at that, and injected with wise tidbits, but I was simply talked out and utterly unfixed. By the next day, bitterness fell into my lap as I observed the coolness of my relationship with this particular friend. I felt betrayed. I felt my troubles had fallen on the wrong ears. And by alas! I was right. I saw my friend, who had been a confidante for years, in a new light. I saw someone who wished well for me, but could not bear my weight, and did not wish to.

My dad always would advertise me as the independent one (God knows his valuable contribution to this trait in me), and this painful episode did much to cement my appreciation for the goodness in this virtue. Socially, that this always caring friend would feign coolness at my struggle and turmoil shone much appreciated light on the give and take of friendships. Most importantly, my egging ego's age-old habit of seeking utter understanding from somebody else became greatly eroded.